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Being in a relationship with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be both rewarding and challenging. BPD is characterized by intense emotions, impulsivity, fear of abandonment, and unstable relationships (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Partners of individuals with BPD often experience a rollercoaster of emotions due to the unpredictable and sometimes intense behaviors associated with the disorder. This article aims to provide strategies, tips, and advice for partners to help them navigate the complexities of such relationships effectively.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
What is BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition that involves significant emotional dysregulation, unstable interpersonal relationships, and a distorted self-image (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Individuals with BPD often experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days (Lieb, Zanarini, Schmahl, Linehan, & Bohus, 2004).
Symptoms of BPD
Common symptoms of BPD include:
- Intense mood swings: Frequent and severe changes in mood.
- Fear of abandonment: Extreme fear of being left alone or rejected.
- Unstable relationships: Relationships characterized by extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Impulsive behaviors: Engaging in reckless activities such as spending sprees, substance abuse, or binge eating.
- Distorted self-image: A fluctuating sense of self and identity.
- Self-harm and suicidal tendencies: Engaging in self-destructive behaviors and having a high risk of suicidal thoughts and attempts (Lieb et al., 2004).
Causes of BPD
BPD is believed to result from a combination of genetic, environmental, and neurological factors. Trauma, abuse, and neglect during childhood are significant environmental factors that contribute to the development of BPD (Crowell, Beauchaine, & Linehan, 2009). Genetic predisposition and abnormalities in brain function, particularly in areas involved in emotion regulation, also play a role (Donegan et al., 2003).
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“The experience I have had is that once you start talking about [experiencing a mental health struggle], you realize that actually you’re part of quite a big club.”
Challenges of Being in a Relationship with Someone with BPD
Emotional Rollercoaster
Partners often experience an emotional rollercoaster due to the intense mood swings and fear of abandonment exhibited by individuals with BPD. These emotional highs and lows can be exhausting and confusing, leading to feelings of instability and unpredictability in the relationship (Stanley & Siever, 2010).
Fear of Abandonment
The intense fear of abandonment in individuals with BPD can lead to clingy and dependent behaviors. Partners may feel overwhelmed by the constant need for reassurance and the extreme reactions to perceived rejection or abandonment (Gunderson, 2007).
Impulsivity and Reckless Behavior
Impulsive behaviors such as reckless spending, substance abuse, and unsafe sex can create significant stress and challenges in the relationship. Partners may struggle to manage the consequences of these actions and feel helpless in preventing them (Stepp, Pilkonis, Hipwell, Loeber, & Stouthamer-Loeber, 2010).
Unstable Relationships
Relationships with individuals who have BPD are often marked by extreme swings between idealization and devaluation. This pattern can create a tumultuous and unstable dynamic, leaving partners feeling confused and hurt (Fonagy & Bateman, 2008).
Strategies for Supporting a Partner with BPD
1. Educate Yourself About BPD
Understanding BPD is crucial for effectively supporting your partner. Educate yourself about the symptoms, causes, and treatments of BPD to gain a deeper insight into their experiences and behaviors. Knowledge about the disorder can help you respond with empathy and patience (Gunderson, 2007).
2. Encourage Treatment and Therapy
Encourage your partner to seek professional help and engage in therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is particularly effective for individuals with BPD, as it focuses on teaching skills for emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness (Linehan, 1993). Supporting your partner in finding and sticking to a treatment plan can significantly improve their quality of life and the stability of your relationship (Kliem, Kröger, & Kosfelder, 2010).
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting clear and healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being and the health of the relationship. Boundaries help manage the intense emotions and behaviors associated with BPD and prevent you from becoming overwhelmed. Communicate your limits calmly and assertively, and be consistent in enforcing them (Lamont, 2018).
4. Practice Self-Care
Understanding BPD is crucial for effectively supporting your partner. Educate yourself about the symptoms, causes, and treatments of BPD to gain a deeper insight into their experiences and behaviors. Knowledge about the disorder can help you respond with empathy and patience (Gunderson, 2007).
5. Develop Effective Communication Skills
Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but especially when dealing with BPD. Practice active listening, where you fully concentrate on what your partner is saying without interrupting or judging. Validate their feelings by acknowledging their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing your partner (Linehan, 1993).
6. Avoid Triggers and Manage Conflict
Identify and avoid triggers that may escalate emotional outbursts or impulsive behaviors. When conflicts arise, try to remain calm and composed. Use de-escalation techniques, such as taking a break from the conversation if emotions run high, and revisit the issue when both of you are calmer. Encourage problem-solving and compromise to find mutually acceptable solutions (Stanley & Siever, 2010).
7. Foster Independence
Encourage your partner to develop their independence and self-sufficiency. Support them in pursuing their interests, hobbies, and goals. This can help them build self-esteem and reduce the fear of abandonment. It also helps balance the relationship, preventing it from becoming overly dependent or enmeshed (Fonagy & Bateman, 2008).
8. Be Patient and Compassionate
Living with BPD is challenging, and your partner may struggle with their symptoms despite their best efforts. Be patient and compassionate, recognizing that progress may be slow and setbacks are common. Celebrate their achievements and provide encouragement during difficult times (Gunderson, 2007).
Tips and Tricks for Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
1. Regularly Check-In
Schedule regular check-ins with your partner to discuss the state of your relationship and address any concerns. This practice can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners feel heard and valued. Use these check-ins to reinforce positive behaviors and acknowledge the progress your partner has made (Lamont, 2018).
2. Create a Safety Plan
Given the high risk of self-harm and suicidal tendencies in individuals with BPD, it is essential to create a safety plan. Work with your partner to identify warning signs, establish coping strategies, and compile a list of emergency contacts and resources. Having a safety plan in place can provide both you and your partner with a sense of security and preparedness (Klonsky, 2007).
3. Seek Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can provide a structured environment to address the unique challenges of your relationship. A therapist can help you both develop better communication skills, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your emotional connection. Couples therapy can also offer valuable insights into the dynamics of your relationship and how to navigate them effectively (Stanley & Siever, 2010).
4. Use Positive Reinforcement
Reinforce positive behaviors and progress by acknowledging and praising your partner’s efforts. Positive reinforcement can motivate your partner to continue working on their coping skills and managing their symptoms. Focus on specific behaviors and express your appreciation sincerely (Linehan, 1993).
5. Encourage Mindfulness Practices
Mindfulness practices can help individuals with BPD manage their emotions and reduce impulsive behaviors. Encourage your partner to engage in mindfulness activities such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga. Practicing mindfulness together can also strengthen your bond and create a sense of calm in the relationship (Kliem et al., 2010).
6. Stay Informed About Medication
Some individuals with BPD may benefit from medication to manage co-occurring conditions such as depression or anxiety. Stay informed about the medications your partner is taking, including their potential side effects and interactions. Encourage your partner to adhere to their prescribed medication regimen and communicate any concerns to their healthcare provider (Crowell et al., 2009).
7. Practice Forgiveness
Both you and your partner are likely to make mistakes and experience misunderstandings in your relationship. Practice forgiveness and let go of grudges to foster a positive and supportive environment. Holding onto resentment can harm the relationship and prevent healing and growth (Neff, 2011).
8. Recognize Your Limits
Understand that you cannot “fix” your partner or their disorder. Your role is to support and encourage them, not to take responsibility for their recovery. Recognize your limits and seek professional help when necessary. Taking care of your own mental health is crucial for maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship (Lamont, 2018).
Advice for Long-Term Success
1. Stay Committed to Growth
Commit to personal growth and development for both you and your partner. Encourage continuous learning about BPD, relationship dynamics, and coping strategies. Staying committed to growth can help you both adapt to challenges and strengthen your relationship over time (Fonagy & Bateman, 2008).
2. Build a Strong Support Network
Surround yourselves with a strong support network of friends, family, and professionals. A supportive community can provide emotional backing, practical advice, and a sense of belonging. Encourage your partner to engage with their support network as well, fostering connections that can enhance their well-being (Gunderson, 2007).
3. Prioritize Mental Health
Prioritize mental health for both you and your partner. Regularly check in with each other about your mental well-being and seek professional help when needed. Addressing mental health concerns promptly can prevent them from escalating and negatively impacting your relationship (Linehan, 1993).
4. Embrace Flexibility
Flexibility is essential when navigating the ups and downs of a relationship with someone with BPD. Be open to adapting your strategies and approaches as needed. Flexibility allows you to respond effectively to changing circumstances and maintain a resilient and supportive relationship (Kliem et al., 2010).
5. Celebrate Achievements
Celebrate your partner’s achievements and milestones, no matter how small. Recognize their efforts to manage their symptoms and improve their coping skills. Celebrating achievements fosters a positive and encouraging environment, reinforcing the progress you both make in your relationship (Stanley & Siever, 2010).
6. Maintain Perspective
Maintain perspective by focusing on the long-term goals and aspirations you share with your partner. Understand that there will be challenges and setbacks, but also moments of growth and connection. Keeping a balanced perspective can help you navigate the complexities of your relationship with patience and optimism (Gunderson, 2007).
7. Strengthen Emotional Resilience
Strengthening emotional resilience is crucial for both partners. Develop coping strategies to manage stress, practice self-compassion, and seek support when needed. Emotional resilience allows you to weather the storms of your relationship and emerge stronger and more connected (Neff, 2011).
Conclusion
Being in a relationship with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder can be challenging, but it is also an opportunity for growth and connection. By educating yourself about BPD, encouraging treatment, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing effective communication, you can support your partner and maintain a healthy relationship. Prioritizing self-care, seeking professional help, and fostering a supportive environment are essential for both partners’ well-being. With patience, compassion, and commitment, it is possible to navigate the complexities of a relationship with BPD and build a fulfilling and lasting connection.
Borderline Personality Disorder Book Recommendations
Here is a collection of the best books on the market related to borderline personality disorder:
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References
- American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).
- Crowell, S. E., Beauchaine, T. P., & Linehan, M. M. (2009). A biosocial developmental model of borderline personality: Elaborating and extending Linehan’s theory. Psychological Bulletin, 135(3), 495-510. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015616
- Donegan, N. H., Sanislow, C. A., Blumberg, H. P., Fulbright, R. K., Lacadie, C., Skudlarski, P., … & Wexler, B. E. (2003). Amygdala hyperreactivity in borderline personality disorder: implications for emotional dysregulation. Biological Psychiatry, 54(11), 1284-1293. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0006-3223(03)00636-X
- Fonagy, P., & Bateman, A. W. (2008). The development of borderline personality disorder—A mentalizing model. Journal of Personality Disorders, 22(1), 4-21. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2008.22.1.4
- Gunderson, J. G. (2007). Borderline personality disorder: ontogeny of a diagnosis. American Journal of Psychiatry, 164(4), 552-559. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2007.164.4.552
- Kliem, S., Kröger, C., & Kosfelder, J. (2010). Dialectical behavior therapy for borderline personality disorder: A meta-analysis using mixed-effects modeling. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(6), 936-951. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021015
- Klonsky, E. D. (2007). The functions of deliberate self-injury: A review of the evidence. Clinical Psychology Review, 27(2), 226-239. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2006.08.002
- Lamont, A. (2018). The narcissist in your life: Recognizing the patterns and learning to break free. New Harbinger Publications.
- Lieb, K., Zanarini, M. C., Schmahl, C., Linehan, M. M., & Bohus, M. (2004). Borderline personality disorder. The Lancet, 364(9432), 453-461. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(04)16770-6
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
- Stanley, B., & Siever, L. J. (2010). The interpersonal dimension of borderline personality disorder: toward a neuropeptide model. American Journal of Psychiatry, 167(1), 24-39. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2009.09050744
- Stepp, S. D., Pilkonis, P. A., Hipwell, A. E., Loeber, R., & Stouthamer-Loeber, M. (2010). Stability of borderline personality disorder features in girls. Journal of Personality Disorders, 24(4), 460-472. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2010.24.4.460
