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In the intricate tapestry of cognitive distortions, “should” statements play a unique role. These self-imposed rules and expectations can both guide and trap us, impacting our mood, self-worth, and interpersonal relationships. To understand and navigate the complexities of our mental terrain, we must delve deep into the realm of “should” statements and their implications.
Deciphering "Should" Statements
“Should” statements are manifestations of our internal rulebook—rigid beliefs and expectations about ourselves and others. They come in various forms, like “I should always succeed,” “People should treat me a certain way,” or “Life shouldn’t be this hard.”
Dr. Albert Ellis, a pioneer in cognitive-behavioral therapy, emphasized the detrimental nature of these absolutist statements: “The tyranny of the shoulds… is one of the chief causes of human disturbance“1.
The Consequences of "Should" Statements
Decreased Self-Esteem
Holding oneself to inflexible standards often leads to feelings of inadequacy or guilt when those standards are not met.
Resentment Toward Others
When people don’t behave as we believe they “should,” we may harbour resentment, leading to strained relationships2.
Emotional Turmoil
"The tyranny of the shoulds... is one of the chief causes of human disturbance."
"Understanding distortions of thinking can provide a basis for the rectification of the distortions"
Origins of "Should" Statements
How do these demanding statements find their way into our cognitive framework?
Cultural and Societal Influences
Societal norms and cultural expectations can play a significant role in establishing our internal rulebook3.
Parental and Early Life Conditioning
The beliefs and expectations of caregivers or significant individuals in one’s early life often shape personal “should” rules4.
Personal Experiences
Personal experiences, especially those associated with success or failure, can lead to the formation of rigid beliefs and expectations.
Challenging and Reframing "Should" Statements
Awareness and Identification
Recognizing the presence of these statements is the first step. Reflect on whether your thoughts often start with “I should,” “They must,” or similar constructs.
Question Their Validity
Is the statement based on factual evidence or an arbitrary belief? Dr. Aaron T. Beck posits, “Understanding distortions of thinking can provide a basis for the rectification of the distortions“5.
Awareness and Identification
Societal norms and cultural expectations can play a significant role in establishing our internal rulebook3.
Flexible Language
Instead of “should,” consider using terms like “prefer,” “wish,” or “would like.” This softens the rigidity and introduces flexibility6.
Empathy and Understanding
Recognize that everyone, including oneself, has limitations. As Carl Rogers, a prominent psychologist, asserted, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change“7.
Cognitive Therapy
Engaging in cognitive therapy can be instrumental in identifying, challenging, and reframing “should” statements and other cognitive distortions.
Conclusion
“Should” statements, when left unchecked, can become chains that bind us to unrealistic expectations and persistent dissatisfaction. By understanding, challenging, and reframing these internal mandates, we can pave the way for greater cognitive flexibility, emotional well-being, and richer interpersonal relationships.
"Should" Statements Book Recommendations
Here is a collection of the best books on the market related to “should” statements:
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Your Thoughts about the "Should" Statements
It’s highly recommended that you jot down any ideas or reflections that come to mind regarding “should” statements, including related behaviours, emotions, situations, or other associations you may make. This way, you can refer back to them on your Dashboard or Reflect pop-ups, compare them with your current behaviours, and make any necessary adjustments to keep evolving. Learn more about this feature and how it can benefit you.
References
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and emotion in psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.
Watzlawick, P., Beavin Bavelas, J., & Jackson, D. D. (1967). Pragmatics of human communication: A study of interactional patterns, pathologies and paradoxes. Norton & Company.
Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224.
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. New York: International Universities Press.
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. New York: New American Library.
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. London: Constable.
