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In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the GIVE skill is part of the interpersonal effectiveness module and is specifically designed for relationship effectiveness—how you take care of the relationship itself while you’re asking for something, saying no, or discussing something difficult (as opposed to just getting your way or protecting your self-respect).
What Is the GIVE Skill in DBT?
GIVE is an acronym:
G – (Be) Gentle
I – (Act) Interested
V – Validate
E – (Use an) Easy manner
You typically use GIVE when:
The relationship is important (partner, close friend, family member, boss, therapist, etc.).
You want to ask for something, set a boundary, or resolve a conflict without damaging the bond.
DEAR MAN is the DBT skill for getting your objective met; FAST is for protecting self-respect; GIVE is what you layer on when you also want the other person to walk away feeling respected and connected to you.
Why Relationship Effectiveness Matters
DBT was originally developed for people with borderline personality disorder, who often experience intense emotions and relationships that swing rapidly between closeness and conflict. Over time, DBT has become a transdiagnostic approach that improves emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal functioning across many conditions.
Research on DBT skills training and interpersonal effectiveness has found that:
Adding DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills to a communication workshop for nurses significantly improved communication performance, as rated by supervisors, simulated students, and standardized patients.
DBT skills training as a stand-alone intervention can reduce emotional distress and improve functioning in diverse populations—including mood disorders, eating disorders, and substance use—highlighting the value of skills like GIVE outside full-model DBT.
A recent review of DBT components found moderate improvements in interpersonal functioning when people learn and practice DBT skills.
A 2024 systematic review of DBT skills in adolescents shows that DBT skills training improves mood symptoms and reduces maladaptive behaviors linked to emotional dysregulation, again reinforcing the value of teaching structured skills like GIVE.
In other words: learning to be skillful in relationships through tools like GIVE is not “just being nice”—it’s an evidence-supported way to stabilize your life, reduce crises, and build a support network that can actually hold your growth.
The Components of GIVE (Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner)
G – Be Gentle
Being gentle is about how you deliver your message.
Core elements (adapted from Linehan’s DBT handouts and related materials):
No attacks
No insults, name-calling, eye-rolling, sarcasm-as-weapon, or aggressive body language.
No threats or manipulation
Avoid ultimatums like “If you don’t do this, I’ll leave” (unless you’re actually setting a clear boundary) or “I’ll hurt myself if you…”.
No moralizing or blaming
Skip “If you were a good partner you would…” and “You should…” statements.
Stay in the discussion or exit gracefully
If it’s too heated, ask for a pause respectfully instead of storming off.
Gentle doesn’t mean passive. You can still be clear and firm—just without hurting, shaming, or threatening the other person.
I – Act Interested
“Interested” is how you show the other person that their perspective matters, even when you disagree.
Key behaviors:
Listen actively – make eye contact (if culturally appropriate), put down your phone, and stop multitasking.
Use body language – nodding, leaning slightly forward, and open posture.
Ask questions – “Can you tell me more about what bothered you?”
Allow pauses – don’t rush them or interrupt to defend yourself.
The goal is not to silently endure; it’s to engage. Acting interested signals, “You matter to me, and I care enough to really hear you—even if I don’t fully agree.”
V – Validate
Validation means showing that you understand (or are trying to understand) the other person’s feelings and perspective in context. It does not mean you agree with their conclusions or approve of their behavior.
Ways to validate:
Reflect feelings
“It sounds like you felt really left out when I didn’t text back.”
Reflect the logic
“Given how important honesty is for you, I can see why this hit so hard.”
Name the effort
“I can tell you’re really trying to explain this calmly.”
Normalize (when appropriate)
“Most people would be upset in this situation.”
In DBT, validation is central to soothing emotional intensity and reducing defensiveness, which makes problem-solving possible.
E – Use an Easy Manner
“Easy manner” is how you soften the edges of a hard conversation. It brings in lightness without invalidating the seriousness of the topic.
Easy manner might look like:
A gentle smile or relaxed tone
Warm phrases: “Hey, this is awkward, but I really want us to stay close while we talk about it.”
Light, non-sarcastic humor: “Look at us, doing grown-up conflict instead of silent treatment. Progress, right?”
A conversational, human tone rather than a courtroom speech
The key is warmth, not avoidance. Easy manner is there to help both nervous systems settle enough to stay engaged.
“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit."
When Should You Use GIVE?
GIVE is most helpful when:
You’re talking to someone who matters a lot to you (not a random stranger you’ll never see again).
You’re making a request or saying no, and you’re worried the conversation will damage the relationship.
You’re having a repair conversation after a fight.
You’re combining it with DEAR MAN (to ask for what you need) and FAST (to protect your self-respect).
A common DBT teaching is:
Objectives effectiveness → DEAR MAN
Relationship effectiveness → GIVE
Self-respect effectiveness → FAST
Skilled interpersonal effectiveness means you learn to balance and prioritize these three depending on the situation.
How To Practice GIVE Step-by-Step
You can think of GIVE as a structure for the whole interaction:
Clarify your priorities
Ask yourself:
“Is it more important right now to get what I want, protect the relationship, or protect my self-respect?”
If the relationship is high-priority, you intentionally foreground GIVE.
Plan your GIVE behaviors before the conversation
Gentle: “What will I not do or say, even if I get triggered?”
Interested: “What curious questions will I ask?”
Validate: “What do I already see as understandable about their feelings?”
Easy manner: “What tone and body language will help this feel safe?”
Use GIVE during the conversation
Start gently: “There’s something I’d like to talk about, and I’m only bringing it up because our relationship matters to me.”
Act interested while they respond: listen fully before defending or explaining.
Validate frequently: brief phrases like “That makes sense” or “I get why that hurt” woven into the dialogue.
Keep an easy manner: monitor your voice, shoulders, jaw, and facial tension; soften as needed.
Combine GIVE with DEAR MAN when appropriate
Use DEAR MAN to structure what you say.
Use GIVE to shape how you say it.
Debrief afterward
- Ask yourself:
“Where did I manage to use GIVE?”
“Where did I slip into attacking, withdrawing, or sarcasm?”
Adjust for next time; interpersonal effectiveness is built through repetition, not perfection.
Conclusion
The GIVE skill helps you show up as both honest and kind: you don’t disappear to keep the peace, and you don’t bulldoze to get what you want. You stay in the conversation with gentleness, genuine curiosity, validation, and an easy manner, which reduces defensiveness and strengthens connection over time.
Within DBT, GIVE works alongside other interpersonal effectiveness skills (DEAR MAN, FAST, boundary-setting) and the broader skills of mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. Together, these form a coherent, evidence-supported framework for improving relationships and overall quality of life.
FAQ
Most frequent questions and answers about the GIVE Skill in DBT
Think of the three skills as different “targets”:
DEAR MAN → when your main goal is to get something done (objective effectiveness).
GIVE → when your main goal is to take care of the relationship (relationship effectiveness).
FAST → when your main goal is to protect your self-respect (self-respect effectiveness).
In real life, you often blend them—but if the relationship itself is especially important (partner, close friend, key colleague), you lean more heavily on GIVE to keep the tone gentle, validating, and warm (Linehan, 2015).
No. Gentle in GIVE is about how you communicate, not what you decide. You can still:
Set firm boundaries
Say no
Disagree with their viewpoint
—but you do it without attacking, threatening, or shaming. You might say, “I really get that this matters to you, and I’m still not willing to do that,” instead of, “That’s ridiculous, what’s wrong with you?” The limit stays the same; the delivery changes.
You never have to. In DBT, GIVE is an option you choose when the relationship is worth preserving and when you can use it without sacrificing safety or self-respect. If someone is being abusive, threatening, or consistently disrespectful, the priority usually shifts toward FAST (self-respect), boundaries, or leaving the situation, rather than staying endlessly gentle (Linehan, 2015).
Validation is about saying, “I understand how you got there,” not “You’re right.” For example:
“Given what you heard, I can see why you’d feel hurt,”
“From your perspective, that makes sense.”
You’re acknowledging their emotional logic and experience in context, not endorsing their conclusions or choices. DBT uses validation to calm emotions and reduce defensiveness, which actually makes it easier to talk about disagreements (Dunkley, 2021; Linehan, 2015).
It’s normal for GIVE to feel a bit scripted or awkward at first—like any new skill. “Easy manner” doesn’t mean you have to be a comedian or super charming; it can be as simple as:
Softening your tone
Unclenching your jaw and shoulders
Adding one honest, human line: “This is uncomfortable for me too, but I care about us enough to talk about it.”
Over time, as you practice, these small shifts become more natural. The goal isn’t to perform; it’s to signal safety and warmth so both of you can stay in the conversation instead of escalating or shutting down (DBT.tools, 2025; Vallejo, 2023).
DBT GIVE Skill Book Recommendations
Here is a collection of the best books on the market related to DBT GIVE Skill:
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References
- DBT.tools. (2025). GIVE skill. Retrieved December 4, 2025, from https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/give.php.
- Dunkley, C. (2021, September 3). Teaching the GIVE skills (Part 1). Behavioral Tech Institute.
- Kaiser Permanente. (2020). Interpersonal effectiveness DBT skills (DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST) [PDF handouts]. Kaiser Permanente.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Mossini, M. (2024). Efficacy of dialectical behavioral therapy skills in addressing emotional dysregulation among adolescents: A systematic literature review. International Journal on Social and Education Sciences, 6(3), 439–451.
- Onaruyi-Obasuyi, E. (2025). Evidence-based analysis of dialectical behavior therapy components and outcomes for borderline personality disorder: Skills training, cultural considerations, and healthcare utilization. International Journal of Scientific Research and Modern Technology, 4(6), 40–56.
- Valentine, S. E., Smith, A. M., & Stewart, K. (2020). A review of the empirical evidence for DBT skills training as a stand-alone intervention. In M. A. Swales (Ed.), The handbook of dialectical behavior therapy (pp. 325–358). Academic Press.
- Vallejo, M. (2023, June 8). Using DBT GIVE skills to maintain healthy relationships. Mental Health Center Kids.
- Wu, S.-I., et al. (2023). The efficacy of applying the interpersonal effectiveness skills of dialectical behavior therapy into communication skills workshop for clinical nurses. Heliyon, 9(3), e14066.
