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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers a plethora of techniques to challenge and reframe negative beliefs, with each method tailored to address specific cognitive distortions. Among these, the “Double-Standard Method” shines as an exercise in self-compassion and empathy. By treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we’d offer to a friend, we can combat overly critical self-talk.
Unpacking the Double-Standard Method
Harsh self-criticism is a common cognitive distortion where individuals hold themselves to unreasonably high standards, often leading to feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness. The Double-Standard Method aims to challenge this by asking a simple question: “Would I say this to a friend?”1
Dr. David D. Burns, a proponent of CBT, aptly describes this, saying, “When you’re down on yourself, you’ll often treat yourself far more harshly than you would anyone else. You may believe it’s essential to beat up on yourself and keep yourself down in the dumps.“2
Employing the Double-Standard Method: A Step-by-Step Approach
1. Identify the Critical Self-Statement
Pinpoint the negative belief or statement about yourself. It might be something like, “I’m a complete failure because I made a mistake.“
2. Imagine a Friend's Scenario
Envision a close friend or loved one in a similar situation, making the same mistake.
3. Respond to the Friend
Consider what you’d say to this friend. More often than not, our response to loved ones is understanding, compassionate, and rational.
4. Reflect on the Disparity
Why is there a difference between what you’d say to a friend and what you say to yourself? Delve deep into understanding this double standard.
5. Craft a Kinder Statement
Using your response to your imaginary friend as a guide, reframe the self-statement. Instead of “I’m a complete failure“, it might be “Everyone makes mistakes; it doesn’t define my worth.“
"When you're down on yourself, you'll often treat yourself far more harshly than you would anyone else. You may believe it's essential to beat up on yourself and keep yourself down in the dumps."
"With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we'd give to a good friend."
Why Use the Double-Standard Method?
1. Cultivates Self-Compassion
The technique encourages us to be as understanding and kind to ourselves as we are to others.
2. Challenges Unrealistic Standards
Holding oneself to a standard that one wouldn’t expect of others becomes glaringly evident, helping in recognizing and rectifying such biases.
3. Promotes Emotional Well-being
Studies indicate that self-compassion, which this method fosters, is linked to reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression3.
4. Encourages Accountability Without Self-flagellation
Recognizing mistakes without overly harsh self-criticism allows for personal growth.
Expert Insight
The importance of self-compassion and understanding in the therapeutic process is well-acknowledged. Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert on self-compassion, remarks, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.“4
Challenges and Overcoming Them
1. Deep-rooted Self-criticism
For some, negative self-talk is deeply ingrained, making the initial application of the Double-Standard Method challenging. Regular practice and patience are essential.
2. Distinguishing Between Self-compassion and Self-pity
The goal is to treat oneself with understanding, not to evade responsibility. Recognizing the difference is crucial.
3. Seeking External Validation
While the method employs an external perspective (that of a friend), it’s essential to understand that genuine self-worth comes from within.
Conclusion
In summation, the Double-Standard Method is a powerful tool within CBT, promoting self-compassion and challenging the all-too-common cognitive distortion of severe self-criticism. By continually practicing this perspective shift, individuals can foster a kinder, more balanced view of themselves, paving the way for improved mental and emotional well-being.
Double-Standard Method Book Recommendations
Here is a collection of the best books on the market related to the double-standard method:
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Your Thoughts about the Double-Standard Method
It’s highly recommended that you jot down any ideas or reflections that come to mind regarding the double-standard method, including related behaviours, emotions, situations, or other associations you may make. This way, you can refer back to them on your Dashboard or Reflect pop-ups, compare them with your current behaviours, and make any necessary adjustments to keep evolving. Learn more about this feature and how it can benefit you.
References
Greenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (1995). Mind over mood: Change how you feel by changing the way you think. New York: Guilford Press.
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. New York: New American Library.
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of clinical psychology, 69(1), 28-44.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins.
